kesh08

Smiling and saying I'm ok when in actual fact deep inside, I'm crying.

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‎"We wish because we need help and because we're scared, and we know we may be asking too much. We still wish, though, because sometimes... they come true." - Grey's Anatomy, 'Wish You Were Here'

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Sometimes I think I dun deserve to be where I am. Maybe there's someone else who can do so much better. I dunno, I feel so worthless. Always making mistakes and not doing things well.

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I need a good cry

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Loneliness is just a word that means you are feeling alone and depressed and starting to think about how difficult and strangely impossible it is for you to be interested in the same people who are interested in you and how if you don’t change your worldview and personality soon then you will probably always feel alone and depressed because you can’t remember a time when you haven’t felt alone and depressed.”

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It's a struggle everyday to hold on to smth which u thought would make u happy. A struggle which I decided on my very own that I would take on the challenge and believe I could do it.

But you noe what? Im starting to doubt myself everyday whether im made for this. Am I? I wanna make an impact on my kids but I myself can't help myself. What makes me think I can do the same for the ppl ard me? I need help.

I dunno who to trust anymore..

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I used to look forward to coaching, smile when i look at the kids but now its just a routine to me. I get so sick of kids, i dunno what im doing most of the time and i just feel so lost.

Smth happened at work this week. 2 huge problems and part of the trouble is cos of the stupid first aid thats nt recognised by SSC.. All the dumbass certs thats needed by coaches... Blah blah blah.. Colleagues are just driving me nuts. I dunno whther this is just a passing phase but all i noe is im troubled.

I wish i could slp this off but i noe sleep wont even come to me.

After all the hard work ive put in so far and be what i am now and suddenly just quit, i'll disappoint everyone ard me. I'll disappoint myself and be upset that i nvr made it all the way. If u say that being colleagues now has changed things then maybe i shudnt have joined the company at all. Thx for making me feel like im being used during this busy period of time. I only fucking just joined and i alr feel like crap! And my own colleague just made me feel lik im nt doing anything to help. Seriously, why dun i just get bang by a car and die then i wont need to go settle this problem. I hate my life.

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Dun leave me hanging... Im totally starting to regret my decision of working in this company, to coach and do whatever im doing now.

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WOW! i havent blogged in a long time.. So ive managed to settle uni fees. like pheww... it was totally driving me crazy but glad its all done. So ive just started my part time work for SKPL. So far lots of ups and downs. Getting used to my early mrgs, dealing with coaches and still trying to get my coaching right. Oh, did i mentioned im level 1 certified alr? Just waiting for my certs to come in at the moment. Colleagues have been great. Yes ive worked with them before during internship but im glad theyre still patient enough to help me with things im not sure off. Thats what makes me happy when im in the ofc and not out coaching.

The down part is... dealing with ppl who dunno how to reply calls or sms's, kids who just piss me off and then thats this small part where i feel like things are not being handed over to me properly. There was this saturday where i was coaching and this parent came to me regarding payment. I wasnt in charge of payment and dint really noe the procedure so i passed her over to my colleague who then told me.. "settle it urself' RIGHT....... i settle things when i dun even noe the proper fees, the procedure and how things go for the class. yea, im pissed. and this isnt the first time. Alws just chuck or assume youve told me things when uve nvr mentioned. like warm up activities and cos the kids were of different age groups, i couldnt just use the one i planned. Instead, think on the spot what to let them do.. As much as being flexible in a coach is impt, i cant alws do this. I hate when my plans have to change. 

Another point. I cant stand ppl who cant separate their work and social life. Life isnt all about work. Cant you for once enjoy the free time and talk abt smth else? im so freaking sian man... It just feels like we're colleagues now and not friends.

Sometimes hanging out with someone for a long time starts giving u ideas abt smth.. Ok seriously, i dun even noe what im saying here. All i noe is, i dunno why i continue talking to you when i noe nth's gonna happen and its basically impossible. Why oh why dis i get myself into this. I have a weak mind and whenever ppl say things abt me, i start to reconsider and say maybe yes.. I could be?

Maybe cos im just being too naive and think ur concern for me is more than what it shud be. Aiyo.... What am i thinking. *trying to stamp out the nonsense in me*

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